I’ve read some powerful testimonies on WordPress. I was intimidated by some of them and very hesitant to share my own testimony. It might be my testimony that resonates in some one’s life and leads them to Christ. If I don’t tell it, they can’t read it. So deep breath in… breath out, relax, and I’m going to let it flow.
My mother had me one week before she turned eighteen. She was already the mother of three and unable to handle raising those three so after she gave birth to me I was signed over to be raised by a relative. I grew up in a strict Apostolic household. In our home the women weren’t allowed to wear anything pertaining to a man i.e. pants, short. We wore long sleeves, no jewelry and did not own a television set in our home. The only music we listened to was southern gospel music. As a youth I thought nothing of our attire nor did I find anything peculiar about our religion. Everyone that I was surrounded by looked just like me, sounded like me and acted as I did. But when I started attending public school there I was subject to ridicule and humiliation. Suddenly I had a problem with what I had always loved.
As I got older and began to blossom into a young woman things began to change not only with my body and hormones but things began to change in our household. I looked up to this man I had grown up calling my dad. He was tall, dark and handsome. He could sing and women just adored him. He spoiled me and there wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t do for me. But he began to get ill. By the time I was sixteen he was bedridden and eventually passed away. My life felt empty and hollow. My superman was gone. He was the only reason that I ever stayed despite all the things that were happening. I was being molested by another relative and I had spoken up about it. Because this man had a high-ranking in the church it was swept under the rug and I felt that the very people who I had trusted had just threw me under the bus. Ultimately it led to me turning away from that church and began my attempt at a very long run away from God.
After my daddy passed away I tried to commit suicide. This failed attempt only managed to land me in a mental institution which is where I spent my seventeenth birthday. What a happy occasion that day was. When it was time for me to leave the institution my biological mother came into my life and brought me back home with her. What I didn’t know was that she was a recovering drug addict and had only been out of prison for a short while when she came to retrieve me. That relationship lasted approximately six months before she relapsed and eventually put me out of her home. I then went to live with my grandmother. She was the sweetest woman who I had ever met. Perhaps she was too sweet because she pretty much let me do what I wanted with my life including messing it up even more. I dropped out of school and eventually went to live with more relatives several states away. After a few months there I made a huge mistake and ended up being shipped back to Georgia where I began living with my foster mom and dad.
It was a few months after returning to Georgia that I found out that I was pregnant. I was ashamed and mortified. I was eighteen so I thought I was grown and I could handle it on my own. My foster-mother passed away and I was running out of places to run to. Eventually I ended up in a maternity home. After I gave birth to my son I moved away from the maternity home and into transitional housing for unwed mothers. As much as I loved my son I couldn’t control my urges to be wild and free. Consequently I ended up pregnant again and gave birth to my daughter (by a different father) in the very same year. I showed no signs of slowing down though. I was drinking and smoking and partying like a rock star. At the time I really thought that I had a good life. Her father and I had our share of ups and downs. He would get locked up and I would get out of dodge. He’d get out of jail and come find me and we’d start the same madness over. It ended when he was gunned down in our kitchen a couple of weeks after our daughter turned a year old. I was devastated and began to fall into deep depression. I ended up on antidepressants but they did no good–perhaps because I was washing them down with a bottle of alcohol.
A couple of years went by and I ended up married to a musician when I was twenty-two. For a while I really tried to settle down and get my life together and be a good wife. He tried to take care of his ready-made family but try caring for a buck wild wife and her two children. He had money and I had time to spend it. He really did try to make it work but my party lifestyle and mental health issues were just a bit much for him to handle and eventually we divorced. Then I found out I was pregnant–again. I didn’t know what to do. I was alone and quite honestly I wasn’t sure if it was my ex-husband’s baby or the man I had an affair with when me and my ex-husband were separated. Turns out it wasn’t my ex-husbands.
I ended up moving back to my hometown and attempting to raise my three children on my own. I often felt over whelmed with such a big and daunting task. I worked and I took care of my children. I wanted to make sure that they never had to go hungry and I wanted to do all kinds of things with them. I took them on field trips to museums and galleries. But I was burning myself out at both ends. Then I was introduced to snorting cocaine. I found out when I got a couple of good snorts I felt like superwoman! I could work, take care of the kids and clean the house and furthermore I didn’t even really need much sleep. Silly me! It was that kind of thinking that got me into some serious trouble. Getting that next hit became all I could focus on. I landed up going to detox/rehab after nearly killing myself. In the process I almost lost my kids.
During all the melee I created in my life I found myself falling in love with my neighbor. He and I went through some crazy ups and downs of our. We both used and abused drugs. Somehow we got ourselves clean and then we got married. But through all of this self-made drama I felt like I was always missing something. I had money–it came and went like the tide. I had a series of cars that came and went. I had been through a bankruptcy, lost our home, and everything but my self-respect. We had left Georgia and came back again. We both found jobs and finally felt like we were landing on our feet even if the landing was somewhat shaky.
I should have been happy but I wasn’t. I couldn’t figure out why I was still so unhappy and unfulfilled. Then one day a friend invited me to church. Honestly the only reason I went that day was because I just wanted to see my friend–we used to date. But when I got there and heard the music (it was awesome and loud) and then heard the Word I was touched. I knew then what it was that I had been missing. I needed Jesus in my life and I needed to get that peace that passes all understanding and never ends. I gave my heart to Christ that day. It felt like an incredible weight had been lifted off of my entire being. My life began to change in ways that I couldn’t have begun to imagine.
Today I am proud to say that I am saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Spirit. I am at ease in my heart and in my soul. I’m still praying that my husband will come to know Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. All three of my children have accepted Christ into their hearts and two have been baptized. My oldest lives with his father and when he gets the chance to come visit he wants to be baptized as well.
Well, this is my testimony. If you are going through a tough situation and feel like you’re lost and nobody is there for you just know that Christ is always there. He is just waiting for the invitation to come into your heart if you’ll just ask Him to. I just pray that the Lord will open your heart and mind up and that you’ll be ready to receive Him. Behold I stand at the door and knock-Revelation 3:20.