This is one of those days when I feel like I have leaped right out of the skillet and straight into the fire. I realize that everyday won’t be this way but today and yesterday have really been bitter pills for me to swallow.
It’s been one month, one week and four days since I walked away from a deteriorating marriage and into a shelter. I don’t regret the move because I feel like I had to do what I felt was best for my children as well as to preserve my own self-worth. It took a great deal of moxie for me to finally gain the courage to let go of what started out as a dream but was turning into a nightmare.
There are times when I feel frightened because I’m not sure what the future holds (but who, besides God, does??), I get lonely, and there are even times I get down-right angry. I feel like this just isn’t fair. I’m a good person so why does like keep crapping on me??? There comes days like yesterday and today when I feel like I took a running leap right out of the frying pan into a roaring fire! Living with others who have come out of similar situations or have arrived seeking shelter for reasons of their own can be a trial in and of itself. It’s extremely hard to go from complete autonomy and independence to having to rely on others to provide shelter, food and even comfort sometimes. I don’t want to appear ungrateful or ungracious towards those that have reached out to help me but sometimes it is hard when everything has to be shared and privacy is almost a commodity and is rare.
I find myself questioning God, why did I leave? Is it suppose to be this hard trying to make a better life for me and the children? Would it have been so hard for me to try to work things out back at home? Now, I’m not going to put words in God’s mouth, but every time I ask these questions I get the same feeling–and it’s not “Child go back!”
Every time one door has closed God has been faithful in opening bigger and better doors leading me to where He wants me to go.
I’m going to end this post with a scripture that comes to mind:
Phil 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV)