I have always tried to be a good citizen, a friend to the friendless, and a good Christian. I have never wanted to deliberately hurt a soul. I am not the confrontational type either. Yet, I continue to find myself getting hurt by the very ones that I truly care about again and again. Is it because I’m just too gullible, trusting or naive? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Perhaps I just expect too much of people. I love too hard and I give way too much of myself. I’m worn out physically trying to push my body so that I can please people. My heart has just been pushed almost to the limit. Sometimes I feel my heart racing away and thumping in my chest like a thoroughbred on the race track. I break out in a cold sweat because of all the anxiety and fear that’s built up in me. I’m so afraid that I’m going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. It hurts living like this. It’s lonely and sad. I never feel like I’m truly home and I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I have no where left to go. I grew up feeling like the unwanted child now as an adult I still feel unwanted. If it weren’t for God and my children I just might have considered giving up on life. There’s just nothing like hurt to make a grown woman feel like that unwanted child all over again.
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