Our little family has once again weathered a storm of perhaps epic proportions! We have been through so much in the past few years but still we manage to hold on. This latest storm has been one, unfortunately, of my own making. I don’t regret following my heart but I do have some remorse about being so gullible and allowing people into my inner circle that hurt me in more ways than one. It hurt me then and I still feel the sting of pain if I sit and ponder my plight in moments of weakness too often.
I have a big heart and I care about people who I love and/or consider to be family or friends. If you come to me with a problem I will give you my full attention and I will do whatever I can to help you.
“You need a shirt? Here, take this one right off of my back.”
“Oh, you need a little money to tide you over until you get paid? Please take this cash and pay me back when you can!”
It was this exact attitude that landed me in the predicament that I’m in right now. I fault no one but myself. I gave and gave to others without a thought about what I would do for myself until it was too late. I had finally come into my financial blessing and I was determined to give back to all those who had helped me when I was destitute and unable to do for myself or my family. All of my adult life I had worked and provided for my family at times with no financial help from anyone. Once I became disabled and no longer able to do so I was consumed with a tremendous amount of guilt. This guilt ate at me both night and day. There were days I fell into a depression so deep that I couldn’t function at all-just lie in bed with tears rolling down my face, into my ears, muffling the sounds of the outside world that I felt had rejected me.
There were friends and family that would rally around me and pull me back from the precipice, an abyss so deep I don’t know if I would have been able to make my way out. It was not a good time for me or my children. I felt like my body had betrayed me and my mind was trying to follow suit.
When I finally received a financial blessing and started to regain a foothold on my life the guilt still continued to hound and pursue me. I couldn’t let go of this all-consuming and overwhelming guilt. If my children asked for it they received it. I was determined to make up for all the years I was unable to do for them financially. I was going to buy back their happiness! Friends and family members that held me down while I was going under-I was determined to buy back their admiration and gave them my money (and time) almost each and every time they would ask for it! The guilt that I created for myself was eating me alive. I felt that these people took care of me, therefore, I owed them a debt that could never be repaid no matter how much I GAVE and Gave and gave…
It didn’t take very long before I was right back where I started-destitute and having to beg my way into a homeless shelter because I was so ashamed of myself and how broke I was once again. Depression weighed me down and all I wanted to do was hide and eat my pain away. I began to gain weight, my fibromyalgia started to flare up worse and more often, and my headaches started coming back again. Once again I felt completely defeated. I was so lost. My life seemed so bleak. Empty.
My girlfriend, Kim, threw me a lifeline and I cling to it every day with all my might. She sees my pain and comforts me. My best friend, Larnelle, somehow always manages to call me at just the right moment or send me text message that lifts my spirits. My children and grandchildren love me right back to life with the little things they do. Most of all, God wakes me up every morning giving me another day to live, to breathe, to love, to just be. I’m slowly but surely starting to feel alive again. I’m beginning to smell that fresh scent that comes after a storm passes. I can feel the rays of sunshine starting to peek through what was once ominous, dark clouds.
Last night my bestie, Larnelle, and I talked and I told him that this was the closing of one chapter of our lives and the beginning of a new chapter. Who knows what awaits us in this new chapter that has already been written? But I know that I want to live and see what’s ahead. It’s not the end of my book but another chapter; a new adventure awaits. It’s reassuring to know that in His book, the Good Book, we know in the end that we win!